Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
