i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Found the puke drawer
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
