I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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