he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
