his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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