I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
