This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
