haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
