help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
