Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
