rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
