I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
