garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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