Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
