I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
