"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
