you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
