All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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