Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
