found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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