I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
