remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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