two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
