she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
