I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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