after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
two words: eviction party
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Randomize
