He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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