Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
