don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
