Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
