Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
