i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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