i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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