one two three fourrrrnication!
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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