I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
