Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
