pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
