btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
This is the prime rib incident all over again
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
