i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
