Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
