:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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