sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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