i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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