Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
