You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
