Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
