I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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