Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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