going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
