Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
