I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
