waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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