why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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