I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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