She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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